MOUNT RUSHMORE AND THE FIFTH HEAD

So, it appears that Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (surely there must be room for a MAGA in there somewhere?) has introduced a bill to add Donald Trump’s face to Mount Rushmore. What a spiffing idea. And what a shame John Gutzon de la Mothe Borglum died in 1941 and won’t be around to finish the job he started in 1927. He would have wanted to be there so much.

The original funding for the monument came via the Mount Rushmore National Memorial Act, signed into law by Calvin Coolidge—they probably had to wake him up to sign it—in 1927. The presidential heads are 18 metres high (that’s 60 feet in American money), employed 400 workers to get the job done and, required the transfer of more than 400,000 tons of dynamited rock to other destinations. But, hey, you can get all this stuff on Wikipedia so go look there for more statistical information.

It took Borglum seventeen years to get the job done so, sadly, it’s unlikely that former President Trump will be around to see his face alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. Unless he lives to be 95. He might need to lay off the burgers if that’s going to happen.

BEFORE

AFTER

Politically the most obvious place to put Trump would be to the right of George Washington. Sadly that’s not possible, unless it becomes a sort of Snapchat head, i.e it disappears shortly after it appears. Thomas Jefferson was supposed to go there, and they started work on him before they discovered the rock was unsuitable. They scrubbed poor Tom 1.0 and restarted him to Washington’s left. That would mean Trump would have to go to the left of Teddy Roosevelt (who smashed the big corporate trusts in the early 1900s) and Abraham Lincoln (something of a DEI champion given that he emancipated the slaves in 1862)

Alternatively why not simply scrape over Washington and just Trumpify his head. The first president has surely had his day by now. And he’s already got a wig! So the construction crew (Proud Boy volunteers maybe? Come on, they owe him) would be a-head of the game. (See what I did there? Wasn’t it utterly puerile? A bit like … never mind).

The very best of luck to Rep. Luna when it comes to securing from Congress the appropriation for this well-thought-out project. I’m sure the National Endowment for the Humanities would happy to stump up at least some of the cost. It’s for a sculpture, right? And a non-woke one at that. Perfect. Or maybe the tech bros might pass the hat around, once they find their way out of the President’s back passage. However, bear in mind that even when the dynamite and the man-hours have all been accounted for, there will still be ongoing maintenance costs. Who is going to pay for the annual re-bronzing? A ton of Leichner Camera Clear Tinted Foundation Blend of Orange doesn’t come cheap.

A word of warning to Rep. Luna, however. It’s only fair she be reminded that the Supreme Court, in 1980, back in the day when it was still a court of law, rather than The Court of King Donald, acknowledged the validity of the 1868 Treaty of Fort Laramie in the case of United States v Sioux Nation of Indians. This Fort Laramie treaty should not to be confused with the 1851 treaty of the same name, which was negotiated by an Irishman, Thomas Fitzpatrick. You’re welcome USA.

The verdict in United States v Sioux Nation of Indians. recognised that the Lakota nation (‘Sioux’ is, apparently what their enemies called them) had not been compensated adequately for the illegal seizure of the sacred Black Hills of Dakota when gold was discovered there in the 1870s and Colonel George Armstrong Custer was sent in to protect the trespassing gold-diggers. A sum of $102m was awarded by SCOTUS, which the Lakota politely declined. They just wanted the land back. So it was deposited for them should they change their minds. That initial sum has now grown to more than $2 billion. By the time the Trumphead is completed it should be worth twice that. At this rate the Lakota will be able to just buy the land back. Who knows what they might do with John Gutzon de la Mothe Borglum’s playground if they do. None of the current heads housed there have any reason to feel beloved of the indigenous peoples of north America.

Based on the 1980 SCOTUS decision the Lakota must have some moral right to intervene in any plan to add even more heads to the national monument (what price Rep. Luna is looking for more cash to include President Vance on the mountain when his term finishes in 2037?). Let’s face it, the Lakota might not be thrilled at the idea of honouring someone who tosses the name ‘Pocahantas’ around as if it’s some sort of side-splitting slur.

If the Lakota do object (and who knows, maybe they love him, just like 49.8% of the 63.9% of voters who turned up on 5 November) perhaps President Trump could Sioux them. He’s really good at that. (See what I did there? Wasn’t it utterly puerile?).

How about this for the Fifth Head instead? OK, maybe not. You probably have to be a US citizen (and not from Hawaii).